Hope after a touch from evil.

I moved through time with the reminder of his evil touch. The fear and anger of unwanted touch and ugly memories so triggering, I chose to hold them deep in my silent self. I sauntered as a woman scorned to one therapist after another, always sharing just enough but never close to all. I erected walls around the worst segments, and there the pieces of my broken past remained.

In 2006, the desire to be free overwhelmed me. Those erected walls did not only hold the pain, they held the unfounded dreams, hopes, and confidence of my life. I didn’t want to remove that wall, I wanted to take a bulldozer and destroy it to dust. In my past, I kept certain secrets within, but this was no time to be selfish with myself. To find the freedom I desperately craved, the truths of the touch would have to come out.

I found the best Christian counselor and away we walked together through the hidden caverns of my mind. At about nine months in, he gave me an exercise to do alone at home. The nightmares I encountered through counseling often involved me walking into the house of my childhood. Stricken with fear, I never walked beyond the entry of the door in my mind. My exercise, after months of educating me on the skill of coping with fears and other emotions, was to close my eyes and walk through that house.

“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.”
―Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children

During the following week, I found a quiet time when I was alone and laid back to do my exercise. As I slowly walked through the door in my mind, the panic in my stomach rose, yet on my bed I was comfortably deep breathing and calm.  I looked through the rooms into the kitchen, and I was alone. I never made it past the living room through. It was there in that room with a light blue carpet, and light colored drapes that I walked to the corner and fell to my knees. I began to cry, and on my bed, in the reality, I was crying. I bowed my head and whispered softly, “Why did you leave me.”

What happened next was by far the most intense experience of my life.

As I cried, thinking I was alone, I saw a figure out to the right side in a long white robe (though it sounds cliché), and I felt a gentle, yet firm and comforting, touch on my right shoulder.

“I never left you. I was always there.”

With those words, I began sobbing. For a few brief seconds of my life, I encountered our Lord Jesus in the darkest and deepest truths of my life. All those years ago, when I thought I was unloved, alone, and abandoned, He was there and he came to tell me so.

As I shared this experience with my counselor the following Saturday, he cried tears of love and awe. My touch from Jesus was just as impacting to him as it was to me.

For the many girls, teens, or women/men out there who know the pain of abandonment at the touch of evil, rest assure that you were/are NEVER alone. Because of the blood of Jesus, we will never be alone. When touch can be turned from hopelessness to hopeful, we find the freedom we so deserved all along. That freedom comes in mind, in spirit, and even in a physical touch of truth.

I invite you to visit the website of Kate Motaung for full details and rules (well the one rule). http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/

All are welcome and invited to take part in joining women around the world for Five Minute Friday! You will be given a prompt word, then simply take five minutes of your day to write a heartfelt, authentic message (no need to edit) using that word!